The following is a list of all entries from the WTF category.
So what’s new? Nothing much? Me neither. Well, other than a neighbor going bat shit crazy on my 21 year old son, pounding on his car, pushing and hitting my son, his friend, and me, with lots of yelling and screaming as an accompaniment. Apparently my son was backing into OUR driveway when neighbor hauled ass around the corner and down the street (he lives in the culdesac three houses down from us). Apparently neighbor was annoyed that my son didn’t let him by and instead continued to pull into the driveway. Neighbor slammed on breaks and laid on the horn. Apparently son’s friend flicked off neighbor and in so doing pissed neighbor off to the point of assault. Really, assault is justified if someone flicks you off, no?
Classy, I know.
It gets better. Neighbor’s car was vandalized a few days later. My kids were present and accounted for, but of course they were accused. Ask me how I felt when I found out that neighbor came down yelling and screaming and telling my husband that “the next time he sees my son or his friends, they will be leaving the street in a body bag.”
The poor man has selective memory because when the police got involved, he just couldn’t remember saying anything like that. I’m no pshych major, but could this man possibly be bi-polar? Or, is he just an ass?
Sometimes people make me stabby!
That’s what I am. I started sneezing my head off yesterday. I woke up during the night and snot was literally running out of my nose. My throat hurts.
No, I’m NOT sick. It’s allergies! It has to be. My body has it out for me. See, I woke up Sunday and there were little buds on my trees. I worked in the yard…..a lot. My body has an evil plot to bring me down so that I don’t enjoy this season called spring!
I live in Texas. Spring lasts for all of one week. Two weeks during a good year. Could you stop it! No more snot! The sneezing must quit. The headache must go! Now!
….or maybe “He Said, She Said”
Once upon a time there was this man and this woman and they were married. The had been married for like a gazillion years.
They lived in this state that’s usually warm but sometimes it gets cold. She doesn’t like to be cold. She will often go to bed wearing flannel pink jammie bottoms with a sweatshirt that has a stain on the front. (She is very sexy, I know!)
One night, let’s call that night Monday, she and he went to bed. They were quietly doing whatever it is they do before drifting off to the world of slumber when suddenly she got hot. No, not HAWT, but hot. She took off her pants. She still was hot. She took off the sexy stained sweatshirt. He suddenly took quite an interest of her hot-ness where hot-ness equals she was literally hot, not HAWT. He didn’t seem to care. Hot, hawt, it’s all relative, right?
(stick with me, this is where the he said, she said comes in)
He said: “Well, what do we have here.”
She was all like: “WTF, didn’t you pass anatomy, it’s my ass!”
He said: “It’s naked”
She said: (well she said nothing, she just rolled her eyes)
He said: “Why is it naked?”
She said: “It’s Monday, don’t worry about it”
He said: “But it’s naked!”
And one thing led to another and he did like this and she did like that, and they did……and then he went for a smoke and she went for water (shut it), and then his head hit the pillow and she………………COULD NOT SLEEP!
And that is how this fairy tale ended….him snoring and getting a good night’s sleep all happy and sated and she? Well? She’s writing stupid fairy tales on her blog!
Since both people who read this blog are intent on me posting regularly, I will give you a little easy reading. I’m quite intrigued that people find the boringness of my life interesting enough to come back.
Recently there seems to be this sort of ritual in my house. Every morning I wake up and think I know what I’m going to wear. In my head my outfit is total awesomeness. I drag my feet while pouring coffee down my throat all the while thinking “no problem, I know what I’m wearing.”
We all know what comes next, don’t we? Well, if my floor, closet, bathroom, and dressing area are any indication, we’ll suffice it to say, it’s not pretty.
It all started with this brown sweater. It’s a cute brown sweater that I bought the day after Thanksgiving while Christmas shopping. Shut it. I had to have it. I live in Texas. When you find something that is cute, not summer like, but not “Nanook of the North” like, and it’s in the JR’s department, and it FITS, and you have a 25% off your ENTIRE purchase, you buy it!
Still not following? The thinking outlined above? My husband calls that “Sheri Thinking”. Nough said!
I bought the sweater because, well, I already said why, but mainly because I have a cute brown pair of pants, a cute skirt that has some brown in it, a slamming pair of brown boots, and I’m sure if I looked hard enough, I could find my leopard print scarf that would pull everything together. Logical, yes? I thought so too until I got dressed and looked in the mirror. Do you know how many shades of brown I own? MANY. Now, ask me how what I have matches the sweater? You got it, NONE! When I looked in the mirror today, I looked like a gingerbread man! I kid you not. And what’s worse? My husband was going to let me walk out the door looking like that! Thank goodness for my brutally honest 16 year old. When he asked “you aren’t really going out looking like that, are you?” I knew things needed to change…..and fast!
I did find a skirt that matches the sweater (cause we all know I now HAVE to wear the sweater) and a necklace that rocks; but, in my haste I grabbed hose that have a run and shoes that are too big. I feel like my polish grandmother as I clop through the office.
Now, if my day would have stopped there, I’d be OK. Did it? Hell to the No. I get to work. I’m early. Things are good. I set my coffee down, go to turn on the radio, and boom, I knock the hot, black coffee all over my desk, my leg, the floor, everywhere! I was lucky enough to miss my computer, the Blackberry, and my Coach bag!
Hey, I guess it wasn’t as bad as it could have. I mean really, I saved the Coach!
This is a post with a compilation of things that will either make you laugh, say WTF, or Holy Guacamole (a phrase a picked up when my kids were still impressionable).
Suz and I talk everyday while I’m driving home from the office. She apparently saw a patient later than usual yesterday so she was on her way home as well. I look over, see a Cy-Fair Football sticker on the window of a car and think “Huh, I wonder if I know them.” Then I say, “Huh, that car looks just like SuZan’s.” Then I start laughing while talking to her and tell her to look to her right. Yup, there I was! So what do two girls do when they meet up on the street? Yup, we went shopping!
Help me think this out. OK, it’s 8 days before Christmas and two nights before the last day of school before Christmas break. Let’s say that you are a manager at a store with a big red bulls eye. Let’s say that weather wise – it was not snowing or freezing, conditions that keep most people in Houston off the streets. Would YOU schedule more than three cashiers? Yup, me too. I told the manager that she needed to open more lanes or I was going to seriously consider leaving my basket and going to Wally World as they have ALL LANES OPENED. I wasn’t buying anything there that I couldn’t have found at Wally. She called all available associates to the front. Then I think she spit in my bag. I don’t know.
This could almost fall under WTF, but, since part of the problem was my lack of forethought, I can’t entirely blame a store that rhymes with Vest Buy.
Here’s the deal – last year one of the boys wanted a hot item that was hard to find. I went online to this store’s site. They had ONE in stock. I ordered it for customer pick-up. I waited in line for about 30 minutes but hey, I didn’t have to sleep outside on the side walk and round house kick someone to get it, so 30 minutes? Not so bad.
This year there were various items wanted by various kids. I was going to be out by that store so I ordered online. When I got there three hours later, my order wasn’t ready. Why? They only have ONE person pulling items for in store pick-up. One person, the week before Christmas. I received notice that my three item order was ready……… about six hours later. They told me they didn’t have the 4th item on the list. I walked back and got it off the shelf.
Anyway, that’s really not my point. My point – I stood in line for 20 minutes the first time to be told it wasn’t ready. The problem? I was the first person in line. The person at the counter was helping someone get financed. That just doesn’t seem efficient. Last night I went in to pick up my order. I waited in line for 30 minutes. I was the 2nd person in line. Again, person at the counter getting financed and the people in line in front of me were exchanging something. I stood there thinking “shit, between my two trips, I could have shopped for the items and paid for them”. I guess I figure if you’re going to offer me special parking, then you should offer me a special lane designated for in-store p/up.
See, I’m not really blaming the store because I really didn’t think about the few items being purchased and the fact that none of them were in demand. I kind of figure it’s all about perspective. First scenario – thirty minute wait and parking half a mile away? No prob. I was lucky to get the item. Second scenario – none of the items were hot ticket and waiting in line 50 minutes (between the two trips) was much more of a hassle.
I would like to think that this store reads my little blog and will say “what a mighty fine idea – special parking and a special line to make this deal a win, win!” OK, maybe not a designated line all year, but around the holidays?
There you have it. My, funny, WTF, Holy Guacamole post for the day. And, yes, Holy and Guacamole must be capitalized; and I started this sentence with “AND”. All English majors may through tomatoes at the screen!
It’s been a day so far and it’s only 8:47 a.m.
I think there is a tracking device on my bumper that tells all construction crews where and when to commence blocking lanes and screwing with signals. My entire drive today SUCKED!
At one point while stuck at a long ass light due to “signal work” during rush hour, I happened to be stopped in front of a little pasture. there were cows on this pasture. There were tan cows, brown cows, black cows, and “Oreo cookie” cows (you know, chocolate on both ends and white in the middle). Does the color of the cow mean something? Like, is the milk better or the steak more tender? Yes, I really think this way.
While enjoying the cows I happened to notice one that was in a peculiar stance and his (or her) tail was not hanging down like the others. Upon further investigation I realized why. It had to pee. Man! I thought we were going to have to call flood control! Upon completion, it waved it’s tail back and forth a few times. Again, remember how I think? Yup! I pictured a word bubble over the “pee-er” that said, “Woo Wee. That was a strong one.”
Yes, I’m demented.
Good morning. Happy “Halfway through the workweek” day. What a week thus far. Busy, busy, busy. I had to hire someone, fire someone, deal will drama at home, deal with drama at work! Jeez. Can’t a girl get a break? Or at least a raise?
On to the open letter………………………………
Dear asshat in the red car:
Please listen to me. There was an accident on the Beltway. The constable was directing traffic from my lane into yours. Me being the patient person that I am (shad up) kept a car length behind. Everyone was playing nice BUT YOU. Each car in your lane was letting a car from my lane in. Not you. No sirree. You sped up so that the car in my lane couldn’t get over. Nice!
Now, I’m not usually an eye, for an eye kind of person, but my evil twin took over. It was only natural that when I, in the exit only lane saw that you needed over and tried to get over in front of me, I had to speed up so you couldn’t get in.
Can I give you some advice? Instead of flashing your middle finger at me and rolling down your window to yell obscenities at me, could you maybe keep your eyes on the road? The car in front of you may just slam on it’s breaks. You should really pay attention next time. How’s your bumper feel? Oh, that’s right. It’s laying in the middle of the Beltway. Sorry!
Now for the interesting conversation. I was stuck in traffic behind a hearse while talking to SuZan. We started talking about whether we wanted to be buried or cremated. I was a little skeptical, but SuZan talked me into being cremated. I told her that would be fine, but it’s her job if I die first to make sure I have on make-up and cute panties before going into the incinerator. She said she would. Then I want my ashes spread over some exotic island that I won’t ever get to visit while living.
Why cremation over burial? Well, I’m a little cheap and I think it’s strange that people pay a huge amount of money for a box to hold a dead body that will be thrown into the ground with the bugs and worms. That’s the other thing. I don’t do bugs or worms. That’s gross. And disease? I mean, my body would be rotting. Gross.
I also decided that I don’t want a funeral. When I die, I want a big ass party in my honor and I want all of you bitches (and guys that read) to say really nice things about me. I want there to be laughter and, of course, adult beverages. Deal?
In fact, I went one step further and decided that, should I ever be diagnosed with a terminal illness, I’m going to throw a big ass party, announce my illness, then have everyone say the nice things directly to me while I’m still alive rather than after I kick the bucket. Oh, and I want to partake in the food that they would have brought to my family after I die. Shit, you make food because I’m dead? Hell no! I want to partake.
BTW-SuZan agreed with me on all counts. Of course, she may have been appeasing me to get me to stop talking about such morbid things!
Does anyone else ever think about stuff like this? No? Just me? Well, you’ll never be able to say I don’t plan ahead!
Have a great day!
Here is a little fun for you to think about today. I added part of the definitions because I was not familiar with all of these buzz words. Guess I’m going to have to climb out from my rock a little more frequently.
A combination of the words “free” and “vegan,” the term describes an anti-consumer who shuns mainstream materialism and only makes purchases as a last resort. The practice of freeganism involves Dumpster-diving for food, clothing or other essentials, which freegans refer to as “waste reclamation.”
Well, it’s funny, foolish slang for “vagina.” The term, popularized in 2006 by Grey’s Anatomy and more recently by Oprah Winfrey.
Similar to Internet spam, this term covers news alerts and other email that individuals signed up to receive but may never get around to actually reading.
Another dictionary, a semi-green term. The New Oxford American Dictionary’s Word of the Year, this term refers to the trend of eating fresh, locally grown ingredients.
#6. Grass Station
As Webster New World Dictionary’s Word of the Year, the term does not describe an outpost for smoking marijuana, but rather a theoretical alternative to today’s fossil fuel–based gas station.
#5. Colbert Bump
Similar to the Oprah effect on book sales, the boost in popularity ratings a political candidate gets after appearing on The Colbert Report.
#4. Popcorn Lung
A rare, life-threatening lung disease that can be caused by inhaling diacetyl, a chemical used in butter flavoring. It’s normally not a problem if a) you don’t work in a microwave-popcorn factory or b)you’re not Colorado resident Wayne Watson, who ate approximately two bags of microwave popcorn a day for 10 years and became the first-known consumer to develop the disease.
A person who does not have cancer, but has precancerous cells or a genetic mutation known to increase the risk of developing it: a pre-survivor.
Influx of 20,000 U.S. troops to Iraq aimed at, among other things, quelling sectarian violence.
… and the #1 buzz word for 2007 was…
An older woman who romantically pursues younger men. Woo Hoo!
I only knew #’s 1, 2, and 9. So how many did you know? Please tell me I’m not the only one in the dark.
And I’m having a swimming party for graduation….on Sunday!
Hmmmm, may need to rethink this.
Landlords =Asshats. The End!
Before the PSA, I just wanted to thank SuZan for doing all of the work associated with moving our blog. She’s the best! Doesn’t it look great? What would I do without her! I’d also like to thank her for being my friend. Thanks SuZan, you’re the best!
Now for the PSA:
Beware! I am in the foulest of foul moods today. Too many things going through my mind to write a sensible post. But, please warn any fool that would try to cross me, or even think about crossing me today……..they may get stabbed in the neck!!!!!!!
That is all.